Heart Breaking at 2AM ~ A Confession
Crazy that it takes a few years to really feel again, feel like my self breaking through!
I've always been myself but, I've really struggled with my faith the last few years, something I've never in my life struggled with before! I've just felt numb, spiritually. It's not as if I didn't try to prod at my soul to move, or that I wasn't moved spiritually sometimes, but I have not felt peace or truth in this world.
I have been unsettled and have searched intellectually for truth and have searched experientially for truth and have lived in acknowledgement of my current journey and hoped to extract meaning as I went along. I have learned a LOT of things in the last couple years that have opened my eyes to a lot of things, but still did not find faith again. It was where I was at, and that was ok. I found a lot of strength within myself after a period of weakness, that is good.
It's 2 AM and my heater is on full blast beside me. I live alone in an apartment where I accumulate things for myself. I love it and I hate it; just like my Starbucks coffee and my movie collection and having the internet. It supports my compulsions, it feeds off my desires, my energy, my life... what have I made of my passions? My passions are on autopilot! I sit to paint and they splatter out restlessly...
My goal in moving into this apartment this year was to take more control of my life, grab the bull by the horns, watch my spending, be responsible, purge my life of external 'stuff'', strive to finish school. I could do it; I am smart, I am creative, I am a confident, driven woman! I don't doubt this still, but in the last couple hours, I have wasted more time, just like the day before and the day before that! WHY!? What am I avoiding!? What is asking to be heard? I give myself time to do the things I should be doing and they don't get done and it's really BOTHERING ME! I am finally asking why...
and I am realizing, it is because I am not where I want to be. I am not who I think I am.
Over the past few hours I went through questions I have not thought about in ages, that I even avoided and didn't want to put energy into... good and stupid and silly questions, all of which were good because they made me think about what I really want, about who I really am, somtimes they made me laugh and mostly they made me think about what is REALLY right, regardless of my subjectivity!!
In the last couple hours, I remembered that feeling at work today when I heard Bing Crosby sing about Christmas and I felt stressed out body, full of knots and stiff muscles melt slightly, my 'BAHHUMBUGism' towards this materialistic Christmas we have fabricated fell flat on it's face at the thought of my real desire to sit by the fire and watch that old classic Christmas movie with my siblings and be a kid again; decorating sugar cookies and feeling the warmth of 'home' and of 'family'. I want to share that with someone... someone who doesn't have that!
In the last couple hours I was put in my place and made to sound like I was typical.... and it surprised me... than I was asked what I really want in life... and I had to think.... It's what I've wanted for ages and finally feel ready to start on!...
I want to be more creative and diligent... so that I can do great things for myself and for other people. I would really love to graduate so that I can, travel all over and so that I can find a job I really love!! I am fascinated by the things I have been learning in school. I always think about things from a psychological perspective and have a desire to know more about humanity in that regard; in order to live a good life myself, and to help others do so as well. I want to find true love and be able to be excited about it because they actually love me back and are ready for it, and then live an amazing life with that man; traveling, working hard, making the world a better place, serving others, being creative, having fun... being genuine individuals while sharing our lives together. I want to develop my hobbies and talents, collect on other kinds of experiences, so I can truly meet people at a soul level and if possible, to affect people in good ways. I have realized how much I miss being around children. One day I would REALLY like my own! Once I wasn't sure of that, now I know for sure. I would still like to adopt but, anyways, I at least know that for now I would like to do more for the forgotten children of this world. I want to encourage them to be great people, to help them to shine with thier gifts and talents, to find it within themselves and with God's help, to conquer fears and demons and I want to show them love and hope and truth. I want to let their imaginations carry them to creativity and their innocence to guide them to universal truths and values. In turn I know they will not only bless me but, will bless others. I have sisters who have done the same with me, and I feel it is my place to do the same. If there is anything I take the most shame in, it is not living up to this.
In the last couple hours I saw pictures of my sister, I remembered how we share interests and how we love nature and how we used to dream. I miss my sisters so much that I cry. I want to have them with me always because they are the most beautiful people I know and I never want to lose them. I always want to see them grow even more beautiful and have wonderful lives and do and create wonderful things.
In the last little while I have thought about making a Christmas list like I do every year so people who have not seen me enough, namely, my family, who I feel sadly doesn't seem to know me as well as they used to, will know what to get me. I have not even done so because I don't even care to get anything. In fact, with all my soul I want to purge away all the shit I have accumulated over the years. More than ever I want to travel light and restrengthen the ties I've made so far. I want to start tomorrow, but I feel held down by so many things...
in that order
and I hate that they have that ability to enprison me! They should be tools that I can wield in order to do great things! Instead they are burdens that I wish to rid of before I can get back on track....
This last year I was taking a lot of action to do what I could to be active and face things head on. I have learned to do this a lot more! But, in the past couple months or so, my name has been IGNORANT!
I have gotten to a point where I have seriously threatened my dreams from becoming reality!!
I have been careless and callous! Really, this has been going on for awhile now... Something happened that really broke my spirit... I felt like I didn't have much to give to others for a long time... It's taken a couple years to purge myself of bitterness and see purely again...
I have flirted with 'dark' ideas because I wanted to know more about human psychology and more about how to really know people, this is a temptation for me, but am I sacrificing my soul so that I can ultimately help others, or am I being stupid? Really, I have not done so bad, but I feel as if I flirt with disaster. I have fallen into liberal moralities and lifestyles and thoughts without fully being aware of what it really meant for me. I clung to the hope that while I trudged along, my loved ones would remember who I was, because when they did they they would know I was the person who will always love them and always take them back no matter what, because even though I am on a journey away from them, in a place they can't go, I am still always going to be me and will always see them as my kindred friend of whom I deeply love in this life. But, I don't want to leave it so long that I miss out on the beauties of their lives and the chances we could have to see eachother and share and grow together! I want to get through my challanges, so that I can keep in touch with you in joy and be there for you like you have touched me and been there for me!
I want to apologize to you, my friends and family, for my ignorance. I want to thank you for staying with me and being patient and forgiving even when I couldn't get back to you and when I treated you without thought or heart. I want to thank you for really KNOWING me and having faith in me :)
These days, I am tasting freedom for my soul and physically desiring it so much... I no longer want to be drawn too and fro by living in the moment and tossed by tides of personal and fluctuant willings. I want to latch onto the grand scale and have peace in it's natural flow, find the dance between this step and mine.
I WANT JOY!
That sounds cliche, but it's truth!
This is my song today, no matter how much of a geek I sound: Joy to the World!