Tuesday, March 28, 2006


Thursday, March 23, 2006


~Currently on a The Cure bent :)

~I bought an ipod shuffle. It has been splendiferous! I didn’t realize how much I would love this,… but now I can be tuned out all day, lol. I LOVE that it doesn’t skip on me. I went for my first run with it the other day and it was fantastic :)

~Being a bit creative and endeavoring to design a new template for this here blog, so keep on checkin’ me out ;)

~Went to rent Say Anthing, which is the movie that I have been told will knock my socks off because I am in puppylove with the sexy-lipped Jon Cusack :) But, my night with John will have to be postponed because it was not returned to blockbuster by the previous viewer. I probably sound like a sad single 30 year old woman when I say that…

~I am SO UP for seeing this city of ours and getting out to see plays, art galleries, the harbour, the escarpment, bands, sit in cafes, get a drink, go to the music stores downtown etc etc etc. So, if you ever want or need to get out and do something, give me a call :)

~I have had a soar throat for about 3 weeks now. It comes and goes, but I can’t sing too well with it… which sucks. I am still wondering if there are any musicians out there who would like to by my accompaniment if I were to sing at an open mic in town sometime. It would be fun; Let me know :)

~I’m so forgetful! I left my darn laundry downstairs yesterday… I should go get that…

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

stolen from Bonnie
fill in the blanks with stuff about me. it'll be fun.

Dear __________ ,
you have a cute______.
You make me _______.
You should _______.
Someday I will ______.
You + me =________.
If I saw you now I'd __________.
I would build a _______ just for you.
I would get your name tattooed on my __________.
If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We could __________ under the stars.
My love for you is like that of ____________.

(P.S. ______________.)

Sunday, March 19, 2006


I am inspired
I am confident
yet shy
and conscious of my faults

You inspire me
You make me confident
and yet shy
and conscious of my faults

I want to be a better person
I want to be a great myself
So that you can see me
like I see you

Friday, March 17, 2006

Be Exceptional! :)

Have a HAPPY St. Patty's Day :)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

This I call you
As someone who has touched my heart and broke the sky

You left behind a piece of your self
At times I forget it
Only to stumble upon a place where it had settled
Some time I sit and it crawls in my lap, pleading me to stroke it
It settles on my mind and weighs out memories
Till I am blind

Come back and pull yourself together
Leave if you must, but do not leave behind your self
For I have nothing to do with it
and you have all

You wear your pride
Like a purple scowl about your broad shoulders
When naked,
You are not

You run into walls,
Trying to free yourself
You are suffocating, but keep working inside
Keeping busy to keep going
Over and over, the window walls are opening and closing
Like God’s eye watching and waking you
Driving you mad

You try to cut off what does not seem to mesh
You are seeking some peace,
But those pieces cut off, are pieces none the less
Of a whole that is broken
Of an unsettled mess

Your fear covers your fair skin
You grow another layer
Callous, to cover the shivering
Your speech is short to cover the shuddering
You cannot keep hold; you are wheeling inside,
You itch, feel annoyed, restless,
Want to break out, break away,
From me, the world, everything

Your humour is adorable
It makes me want to crawl inside your mind
And your arms
But you quickly attack me with cynical judgment
And I warn you of yourself with sharp tongue,
Our wills are matched,
You stubborn selfish assuming ass,
You cannot take it;
Because you can barely
Hold yourself together by your own devises
To let another hold you
Because we just aren’t deep enough together
And if we get close, you cannot hold onto it at all

One night I simply held you
Our lips pressed together, I stroked your hair
You say some do not value truth
But truth is;
You were falling
And you could not let it happen
So you pushed away
Thinking somehow you would be held down
Instead of lifting off the ground
You just don’t have much to give right now

But I am not asking for it

Just to take you out to absorb the sunlight
And to suck in some windy sky
And stumble upon something real
That helps you see you are alive
If you would just let yourself go
You would find yourself

Relax my dear
Let’s just play
Like children who skip stones across mirrors
Let’s skip stones across this concrete street that stares blankly back at us
Let’s paint the sky with our voices;
screaming down the valley
taking off our shoes
strolling over soft green fields
letting the emerald sky break over our bodies
and take us up above our heads, like kites shaking and stirred up by the wind

We could talk about everything, or simply watch it
And as an art; make love to what we see and what we do and what we create

I would fly beside you, if you could just take my hand
It is hard for you to trust;
You cannot understand me

I promise you
I am a friend
Confined Love
~John Donne

Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser
If on womankind he might his anger wreak,
And thence a law did grow,
One might but one man know;
But are other creatures so?

Are Sun, Moon, or Stars by law forbidden
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced, or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a-night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose,
But we are made worse than those.

Who e'er rigged fair ship to lie in harbours
And not to seek new lands, or not to deal withal?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbors,
Only to lock up, or else to let them fall?
Good is not good unless
A thousand it possess,
But dost waste with greediness.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Another day and another day and another...

I am LOVING THIS WEATHER!!! I love the fog and the rain and the sun and the yummy breeze :)

On Friday, after lunch with the lovely Cheryl who I have not seen enough of, and with my Sarah dear who I love to death, my sisters and my mom came by to visit. I was at work but I was still glad to see them and let them go shopping with my Jacob discount :) They bought me a computer desk, desk lamp, mouse pad (which I have been using my sketch book for) and starbucks coffee and left it in my room for when I came home from work. It was so sweet. My sisters are so beautiful :) Not only that, they are talented, adorable, funny, smart, good and really awesome people. I miss them.

Saturday after work, I went out for a girl’s night with my coworkers. We had quite the time ;) We got giddy on cosmos and twisters and they got me to spill some things… lol I am so glad to work with such awesome fun women :)

Sunday, Scott and I went for a long long walk to Westdale and tried some asian food which was very sketchy… I bought ice cream and we peeked in the shop windows and we chatted about all sorts of things :) It is so nice to just walk and talk with someone who lets me babble on about anything that comes into my head… Free associative talk is highly stimulating and therapeutic, we don’t do it enough I think… Then we walked back up the mountain and swung on some swings and got all the way to my apartment when I realized I had lost my bus pass/student card so we walked all the way back to the swings and found it. I hate it when I lose things and get all forgetful! Thank goodness we found it or I would be tormented by the horrific fact of having to pay bus fare or walk everywhere not because I want to, but HAVE to. Anyhooo, by that time it was midnight but we decided to watch Amelie and it is always an excellent film to watch :)

My mom and one of my sisters came by again today. I ordered a pair of glasses which I sure hope look darn sexy. I had my heart set on a pair I found months ago but, I could not find them again so I got my mom and sister’s opinion on a few and eventually decided on one. They look pretty nice as sunglasses ;) I watched Pride and Prejudice today. The dialogue was humorous and though a bit cheesy at times, the chemistry between the leads was FANTASTICLY SPICY… Mr Darcy was darn sexy…

And that is that for now :)

Friday, March 10, 2006

Thanks to such awesome people for good times;

Monday after work I had a really great evening! It started out as an offer to drive me home and we such good conversation that we decided to do some grocery shopping and talk and then, decided to go get some dinner and continue talking. The conversation was THAT good :) So, he took me to the ‘Best place in the world” which sounded pretty good to me, so I couldn’t complain. We shared some wine and ate some really good food in a nice and private booth at a very lovely little pub in Westdale. The conversation was perfect and it felt so good to be on the same level with someone about things. Cheers!

Tuesday night was a coworkers birthday, so after work we went out to Montfort’s and ate some yum and laughed a lot :) Afterwards, some of us still wanted to hang out with the birthday girl, so we went to the Snooty Fox in Westdale where my friend Jeremy works. It so happened that Mike D, a really amazing guy I run into often, was playing live music there that night. It was great to hear him play, he did a great job! I felt special when he wouldn’t let me leave till I heard him sing one of June’s songs.

Yesterday was my day off, weeee! I went downtown and ended up spending some time with a fellow I know. We bopped around downtown to the art store and music store. I got some more art supplies because I must be an artist. Alas, once I got on the bus to go up the mountain, I realized with a subtle horror that I had forgotten my art supplies at the restaurant we ate at! So, I had to go back down the mountain on the bus. When I got there, my friend was working there. He plays the ‘tabla’ and the lute. So, not only did I get my art supplies back, but my friend played his tabla and sang for me :) He is SO GOOD!!! :D His brother came by and we talked for a bit. Then, an old Italian man came into the restaurant and sang a little song for me. I felt so special :) Back up the mountain I went with my art supplies and tucked myself all cozy with yum beside the fire in Second Cup to meet my lovely Sarah. We talked and rested and rented SIDEWAYS and went to her place to watch it. I used to live with my lovely Sarah and I am always so happy to visit there because it reminds me of the summer we lived together and I miss it sometimes. WE cuddled with the little guinea pigs. I have come to like them… but I don’t think I would own one myself… I want a dog.

Ta ta for now :)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Judge me judge me judge me :)
I want to know! AND, if you haven't told me what you like about me yet, do it here: http://kevan.org/johari?name=beachpeach
yay, thanks! :D

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie, Garbage

How Do You Feel Miss Muse?

I have been told that I am fabulous for going to a gay bar on Valentine’s Day. Really, it is the least likely place for a single girl like me to pick up… lol Perhaps I have some weird defense mechanisms. I was also given a rose by the very humorous, handsome and genuinely good guy who complimented me. It was very refreshing and made me feel special :)

I watched some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Scott this week. JUST LOVE that movie!!! I really should buy it!

Sarah says that I do know how to flirt... I assure you, I do not. I may come across like a flirt, but seriously, I just like people and getting to know them and hanging out and having fun. The people I really crush on, I may not flirt with at all. You know what? I realize that I actually don't let myself flirt when I really like someone because I look forward to flirting and acting on my impulses with someone that I KNOW is going to stay around. I've come to wonder if this is the best thing. Sure, there should be limits, of course. I wonder sometimes if some of us limit too much, thinking, one day I will have this, instead of just living in the now. I mean, if you are dating someone now, and saving up all this stuff for whoever you marry, you are not acting like you would if you were married, so then, how do they really know what you will be like when you get married? They don't because you aren't acting on those impulses... and yet, the line has to be drawn somewhere... I can't get past the fact that I can't give my all to someone who is not sure himself. I deserve someone who knows he wants me. I will want him more for it.

Anyways, I just made a fool of myself the other day at work when a good looking guy made eyes at me. I totally went scatterbrained and lost my head and could not speak coherently, I just went into customer mode and ignored any interest in him whatsoever and came out sounding really dumb on top of it. BUT, the other day when this one charming regular who is just a fun guy I could not be interested in came into the store and made some flirtatious comment about me developing photos in a dark room naked, I laughed and though I like the idea, it was weird to be flirted with like that, I just replied a little flustered and good naturedly with "Ya, just me, in the dark with all that chemistry." That could sound flirty, but, it was with a guy I had no interest in.

Perhaps this means I need to find an extroverted guy, who gets me talking, who I can be relaxed with, who is funny, who i can have fun with and yet STILL also find attractive... It can take guts to flirt with someone you have chemistry with and not come across as a slut... Can I find someone with chemistry, flirting, AND who can be a true friend who values me too... hmmm ... is it possible...? Anyways, I like to think about these things and always come back to the realization that in the end, things are often unexplanable, you can't always choose who you are going to find attractive and why.

Anyways, I'm actually more interested in having a puppy and hanging out with people than being in a relationship these days. But, somethings are worth waiting for... I just wish I could have a dog right now... may be I could find an older dog that is already trained...

Back to how my week went:

Thursday night I went downtown and had coffee with a really great guy. We both enjoy photography, so that is what we talked about. We went to check out Absinth and ran into Latter Day Saints. They were very commanding of the conversation and it made me get a little annoyed and restless, so I found clever ways of avoiding subjects that would be too lengthy. I showed just enough interest to satisfy them and not enough to commit to wasting time freezing while this guy merely talks at me about ancient biblical people who really may not mean much to someone who has never heard about them and sounds too ‘booky religious’ and elitist for people to really be interested. I asked some questions to make them think, was respectful though challenging and got away pretty quickly. My old self commends them for their efforts and I respect their devotion. Though, I don’t agree they should leave their family for 2 years if they are a father and husband. I also don’t agree with them that there is only one true church fellowship structure via the Latter Day Saints just because the bible says the road to truth is narrow. I asked them if perhaps there is a narrow road of truth within each different Christian denomination...

Anyways, the evening went on and we talked about Christianity for a bit [and I threw in a wee bit of philosophy (existentialism specifically) and psychology (Jungian of course..) as I have a tendency to do…] and then we got in to see Matt Mayes with El Torpedo. He sang a new song solo acoustic called How Do You Feel Miss Muse which cut me to the core. SO talented, it was so much fun. Thomas Matheson opened and was absolutely fantastic. He is quite the Alpha male… and every one of the faces in his band are faces one could get sentimental about. Local band Charlemagne opened for the show and they were very fun and impressive. They got spunk and their last song was so cool. I just fed off the energy on that stage and wished I could be on it rockin’ out myself… dream dream… I need to go to the underground more often :)

Funny thing happened on the way back home after the show. I got on the bus and started talking with a fella. He was very interesting and talkative. We talked the whole bus ride and then got off at the same stop and THEN walked to my building! … We live in the same building! Bizzarre… he had also seen me before the ONE time I ever went to Pepperjack’s to watch a friend perform... Weird...

Went to Pepperjacks again Friday night after Jeremy’s art show (which was just excellent, of course. I want to hang his work on my walls. *so proud* and inspired). After Hanging out at Tom’s studio downtown with Angie and Jen (who are SO cool to hang out with! They rock!), we all headed over to Pepperjack’s… but, it was hip hop… and I didn’t last that long. But that was ok, because it was early in the morning by that time and after McD’s at 1am, I crashed.

Next morning I got up early (6:15am) for one of my last shifts at Jacob. Yes, I am only going to have one job in 2 weeks time, and will be looking for an internship towards my psych major. I hope to do some more art and photography around here too. I ordered a flash for my manual camera which should be fun times :) I’m also looking into making a collection of Lomo cameras :) We shall see. Since I am not allowed to have a puppy in my apartment perhaps that frees up money to buy cameras and an ipod to go running with? Dream dream

My friend told me that her brother would sell me one of his cameros… if only I could afford it right now…

Retail therapy was Saturday afternoon in the sunny sun. I am slowly making my room a little nicer. So far, that means lots of candles and finding nails to hang art and looking at nice materials which are often too expensive to even think of buying… Since I happened to forget my laundry at home, I HAD to take advantage of my Jacob discount and the really cute striped/polka dot underwear on sale at La Senza… :P

After this, I was pursued by previous bus “stalker-who-is-not-a-stalker” who lives in my building. Somehow he managed to get me to take him and his brother to the party at Auedrah and Dayna’s. They had fun. The party was wild and mostly, good times. I was so glad to see Redeemerites taking it ease and letting lose and being true.

Today I made it to work with a wee bit of a hangover, it wasn’t that bad. I was expecting worse, but I guess I didn’t drink as much as I could have. Good times, good times.

So much goodness, more goodness to come :)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Jen Needs ~ A Meme:

Type “[your first name] needs” into Google’s search engine and list the first ten results. Nearly all will be amusing, but you’re supposed to underline the ones that are actually true about you.

Jen needs a break. "Come on up to my home, Jen. My twelve person staff will make you feel better!" (ooooh, I LOVE that this was the first one I found )

Jen Needs a Title! ( I already have one... but, another one would be fun... like JEN THE MAGNIFICANT... or JEN THAT DARLING SLICE OF GOODNESS FOR YOUR SOUL...)

Jen needs to be a parent (uhhh.... not yet... but, ya, one day)

Jen needs to get a life (This is someone's perspective of Jen Anistan's situation, the poor woman)

Jen needs your help (Sure, I can take all the help I can get ;)

Jen needs to have a session or two with a therapist, as I truly think that she’s not over her previous hurt. (Perhaps, who couldn't?)

Jen has been complaining of late that she needs a good man to take her out on the town and pamper her, so this could be your chance to woo a foxy, charming and talented woman. (HEEEY, sounds good to me ;)

jen needs an extra $20K ( YES, I DO!)

Jen needs to lay off the drugs (uuuuhm, perhaps if I even had drugs...)

Jen needs a little <3>lol, dirty dirty)

Jen needs a place to stay for the night (um... )

Jen needs a new heating system (my heater does a pretty good job, but a man would be nicer...)

Jen just needs a fun-loving and carefree relationship for a change (sure thing)

Jen needs taking out for fun (DEFINATELY!!)
[Marital Status]very single, yet not available to just anyone. It's gotta be someone who proves himself and who is compatible
[Shoe size]8.5
[Parents still together]yup. High school sweethearts :) My parents rock
[Siblings]2 beautiful talented younger sisters (and their beaus), one intellegent older bro (and his belle), 2 pretty amazing appointed older sisters
[Pets]Gibson and Leopold, my Jack Russel Terriors, but I don't live with them :( I want a puppy!
[Color]red and green,.. black... I like colour combinations
[Number]3, 7 9
[Animal] tiger, dogs, monkey
[Drinks] coffee! green tea frappaccino, soy milk, tea, rum, vodka
[Soda] vanilla coke, cherry coke, dr pepper
[Book] the Picture of Dorian Gray, Kierkegaard
[Flower] uuum, rhodadendron?
[Color your hair?] red and black right now
[Twirl your hair?] yup, i've noticed i do that
[Have tattoos?] I want
[Have Piercings?] one set in the ears
[Cheat on tests/homework?] no
[Drink/Smoke?] yup, but not alone except for the occassional glass of wine and cigar.
[Like roller coasters?] no... except maybe the rockin rollar coaster
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] yup, well no, but yes
[Want more piercings?] in the ear, perhaps a nose stud
[Like cleaning?] most of the time, if music is playing
[Write in cursive or print?] print in my own way
[Own a web cam?] no
[Know how to drive?] I like to think so :)
[Own a cell phone?] no
[Ever get off the damn computer?] yup
[Been in a fist fight?] I don't recall... though I did used to stand up to my older bro's bullies as a kid, kicked them
[Considered a life of crime?] uh, no actually
[Considered being a hooker?] no, but I have thought about what it would be like. I feel badly for people who are in that position, it is much more than just sex, and I get upset at the men who encourage it.
[Lied to someone?] I'm sure i have at some point or other
[Been in love?] yes... but it's weird how things change, how your mind plays tricks on you. Does being in love ever last?
[Made out with JUST a friend?] nope, don't think I could ever do that... they would have to be a crush too
[Been in lust?] yes, but i can't be attracted to someone I don't like as a person
[Used someone] hm, I don't think so
[Been used?] sure seems like it
[Been cheated on?] unfortunately, probably, and then I dump them on their ass
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] uhm... I'm sorry :( It was a long time ago... it haunts me, really
[Stolen anything?] cookies and junk food from the cupboard as a kid, and once i stole an empty purse which was so dumb. other than that,... I don't recall...
[Held a gun] Shooting a BB at a target as a kid with my dad and bro
[Current clothing] my tahitian flower pj pants in yellow and beige (Old Navy), my black spandex skanky tank with shelf (Victoria Secret)
[Current mood] achey, warm, drowsey, toewiggley
[Current taste] in what? uhm,... i had a piece of chocolate cake earlier
[What you currently smell like] a mocha candle is burning
[Current hair] in a bun
[Current thing I ought to be doing] sleeping
[Current cd in stereo] Bob Dylan
[Last book you read] Captivating -Unveiling a woman's soul
[Last movie you saw] La Fille a Le Fenetre
[Last thing you ate] chocolate cake
[Last person you talked to on the phone] hm... who would that be?
[Do drugs?] nope
[Believe there is life on other planets?] hm, not likely. I mean, there's barely much intellegent life in our solar system, but who knows? The sky isn't the limit here.
Remember your first love?] oh yes :)
[Still love him/her?] in a different way
[Read the newspaper?] no...
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] acquintances, but I wouldn't be opposed to being friends with them.
[Believe in miracles?] sure
[Do well in school?] when I feel like it
[Wear hats] if it's cold, cool, or if i'm dressing up or dancing
[Hate yourself?] nope. Just wish I wasn't so dumb sometimes.
[Have an obsession?] sometimes. Coffee, books, movies, but nothing too crazy
[Collect anything?] no... not other than music, movies and books...
[Have a best friend?] yes :) and a few :)
[Close friends?] they will always be close even if far away
[Like your handwriting?] uh, sure
[Care about looks] to a degree. I'm into aesthetics, it has a purpose and meaning
[First crush] Matt Bogart - my mini-beau kindergarten to the end of grade 2. Awww, I miss your freckles and sweatershirts
[First kiss] Aaron Kerr - summer into grade 9 - on the basketball court :)
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] no...
[Do you believe in "the one?"] not so sure anymore... for me anyways. There are people I know who are definately meant for eachother and I think that it is wonderful.
[Are you a tease?] nope, seriously, I don't look for it... in fact, I almost avoid it or do something dumb to push it away,... I don't know how to flirt...
[Too shy to make the first move?] yes. And, I may even be too shy to respond if you initiate, BUT, I do find those who initiate more attractive...
[Daydreamer] sometimes
[Bitch/Asshole] nope
[sarcastic] sometimes
[Angel] some like to think so, mostly I am
[Devil] not in an evil way
[Shy] ya, sometimes I am pretty shy
[Talkative] I can be, with the right people