Thursday, December 07, 2006
Crazy that it takes a few years to really feel again, feel like my self breaking through!
I've always been myself but, I've really struggled with my faith the last few years, something I've never in my life struggled with before! I've just felt numb, spiritually. It's not as if I didn't try to prod at my soul to move, or that I wasn't moved spiritually sometimes, but I have not felt peace or truth in this world.
I have been unsettled and have searched intellectually for truth and have searched experientially for truth and have lived in acknowledgement of my current journey and hoped to extract meaning as I went along. I have learned a LOT of things in the last couple years that have opened my eyes to a lot of things, but still did not find faith again. It was where I was at, and that was ok. I found a lot of strength within myself after a period of weakness, that is good.
It's 2 AM and my heater is on full blast beside me. I live alone in an apartment where I accumulate things for myself. I love it and I hate it; just like my Starbucks coffee and my movie collection and having the internet. It supports my compulsions, it feeds off my desires, my energy, my life... what have I made of my passions? My passions are on autopilot! I sit to paint and they splatter out restlessly...
My goal in moving into this apartment this year was to take more control of my life, grab the bull by the horns, watch my spending, be responsible, purge my life of external 'stuff'', strive to finish school. I could do it; I am smart, I am creative, I am a confident, driven woman! I don't doubt this still, but in the last couple hours, I have wasted more time, just like the day before and the day before that! WHY!? What am I avoiding!? What is asking to be heard? I give myself time to do the things I should be doing and they don't get done and it's really BOTHERING ME! I am finally asking why...
and I am realizing, it is because I am not where I want to be. I am not who I think I am.
Over the past few hours I went through questions I have not thought about in ages, that I even avoided and didn't want to put energy into... good and stupid and silly questions, all of which were good because they made me think about what I really want, about who I really am, somtimes they made me laugh and mostly they made me think about what is REALLY right, regardless of my subjectivity!!
In the last couple hours, I remembered that feeling at work today when I heard Bing Crosby sing about Christmas and I felt stressed out body, full of knots and stiff muscles melt slightly, my 'BAHHUMBUGism' towards this materialistic Christmas we have fabricated fell flat on it's face at the thought of my real desire to sit by the fire and watch that old classic Christmas movie with my siblings and be a kid again; decorating sugar cookies and feeling the warmth of 'home' and of 'family'. I want to share that with someone... someone who doesn't have that!
In the last couple hours I was put in my place and made to sound like I was typical.... and it surprised me... than I was asked what I really want in life... and I had to think.... It's what I've wanted for ages and finally feel ready to start on!...
I want to be more creative and diligent... so that I can do great things for myself and for other people. I would really love to graduate so that I can, travel all over and so that I can find a job I really love!! I am fascinated by the things I have been learning in school. I always think about things from a psychological perspective and have a desire to know more about humanity in that regard; in order to live a good life myself, and to help others do so as well. I want to find true love and be able to be excited about it because they actually love me back and are ready for it, and then live an amazing life with that man; traveling, working hard, making the world a better place, serving others, being creative, having fun... being genuine individuals while sharing our lives together. I want to develop my hobbies and talents, collect on other kinds of experiences, so I can truly meet people at a soul level and if possible, to affect people in good ways. I have realized how much I miss being around children. One day I would REALLY like my own! Once I wasn't sure of that, now I know for sure. I would still like to adopt but, anyways, I at least know that for now I would like to do more for the forgotten children of this world. I want to encourage them to be great people, to help them to shine with thier gifts and talents, to find it within themselves and with God's help, to conquer fears and demons and I want to show them love and hope and truth. I want to let their imaginations carry them to creativity and their innocence to guide them to universal truths and values. In turn I know they will not only bless me but, will bless others. I have sisters who have done the same with me, and I feel it is my place to do the same. If there is anything I take the most shame in, it is not living up to this.
In the last couple hours I saw pictures of my sister, I remembered how we share interests and how we love nature and how we used to dream. I miss my sisters so much that I cry. I want to have them with me always because they are the most beautiful people I know and I never want to lose them. I always want to see them grow even more beautiful and have wonderful lives and do and create wonderful things.
In the last little while I have thought about making a Christmas list like I do every year so people who have not seen me enough, namely, my family, who I feel sadly doesn't seem to know me as well as they used to, will know what to get me. I have not even done so because I don't even care to get anything. In fact, with all my soul I want to purge away all the shit I have accumulated over the years. More than ever I want to travel light and restrengthen the ties I've made so far. I want to start tomorrow, but I feel held down by so many things...
in that order
and I hate that they have that ability to enprison me! They should be tools that I can wield in order to do great things! Instead they are burdens that I wish to rid of before I can get back on track....
This last year I was taking a lot of action to do what I could to be active and face things head on. I have learned to do this a lot more! But, in the past couple months or so, my name has been IGNORANT!
I have gotten to a point where I have seriously threatened my dreams from becoming reality!!
I have been careless and callous! Really, this has been going on for awhile now... Something happened that really broke my spirit... I felt like I didn't have much to give to others for a long time... It's taken a couple years to purge myself of bitterness and see purely again...
I have flirted with 'dark' ideas because I wanted to know more about human psychology and more about how to really know people, this is a temptation for me, but am I sacrificing my soul so that I can ultimately help others, or am I being stupid? Really, I have not done so bad, but I feel as if I flirt with disaster. I have fallen into liberal moralities and lifestyles and thoughts without fully being aware of what it really meant for me. I clung to the hope that while I trudged along, my loved ones would remember who I was, because when they did they they would know I was the person who will always love them and always take them back no matter what, because even though I am on a journey away from them, in a place they can't go, I am still always going to be me and will always see them as my kindred friend of whom I deeply love in this life. But, I don't want to leave it so long that I miss out on the beauties of their lives and the chances we could have to see eachother and share and grow together! I want to get through my challanges, so that I can keep in touch with you in joy and be there for you like you have touched me and been there for me!
I want to apologize to you, my friends and family, for my ignorance. I want to thank you for staying with me and being patient and forgiving even when I couldn't get back to you and when I treated you without thought or heart. I want to thank you for really KNOWING me and having faith in me :)
These days, I am tasting freedom for my soul and physically desiring it so much... I no longer want to be drawn too and fro by living in the moment and tossed by tides of personal and fluctuant willings. I want to latch onto the grand scale and have peace in it's natural flow, find the dance between this step and mine.
I WANT JOY!
That sounds cliche, but it's truth!
This is my song today, no matter how much of a geek I sound: Joy to the World!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: Kini37
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Just watched the movie The Prestige. It is an excellent film that deals with 'what is truth?' I think I will write a review on it for another post but, as for now, I am wondering about TRUTH.
Does objective truth exist? But don't we have personal truths that are just as real? Can we really know the pure objective truth? If we cannot, than all there must be to truly know is subjective truth, yet objective truth must remain in existance... how do we get at it? Do we really value it? What sort of value should we put on each? Are we sacrificing in appealing to one or the other? Must we find a balance or attempt to integrate them?
Surely subjective truth has weight, but we need to be careful it doesn't get so extreme that it moves away from the truth of the larger picture, no?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
Pick one of the dates at the top and you will see a bit of what we did that day.
I took some of those pictures :D
Monday, August 21, 2006
Beach bunnies :D
Me and my mom
My Letter to Courteny about my trip:
I AM loving my trip!! :D We are staying at a beach condo on a very long thin island on the coast and I LOVE THE OCEAN :D The salt water and sunshine has be wonderful! I have been reading for fun and I am reading a bit about pirates, ghost ships and other mystery legends of the sea. There actually used to be pirates around this area! :D I LOVE PIRATE STORIES!! (My parents are thinking of going to see Pirates 2, that would be my 3rd time, lol) And there are wild horses left over from the Spanish invasion on one of the islands! I haven't seen them yet, but i would like to!
I went for a run with my cousin along the beach this morning. My first day out in the sun and I am burnt already! It's glorious! :D It's gotten overcast as some weather has moved in. Hopfully no hurricaines. They are building all these gorgeous beach houses that are up for sale. I would LOVE to own one of them. I think I will run over there tomorrow morning and take pictures of them :)
Tonight we are going to watch the movie The Fog, which is a chiller thriller about this ship that crashed and left all these leperous zombies to haunt a seaside village. It's probably pretty hokey, but it will be perfect being on the coast with this weather for the evening :)
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Me, my cousin Dave, my uncle Peter
I'm in North Carolina, on the coast!!
A flock of pelicans just flew over us like a V of Canadian Geese!!! :D
It's GORGEOUS!! I LOVE THE OCEAN!!!
I want to live here! :P
I'll say more later :)
Hope you're all doing well!!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Things have been busy! I am ALMOST fully moved! :) The place is coming together :)
I am also working a TON!!! This is wearing me out, but I need the money and soon I am going on vacation!!! (The 17th of August to the 30th). When I come back I will be starting school again.
I hope that everyone's summers have gone well :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Soooo, I got a tattoo! This is the design.
I threw a wee little party,
I went to Bonnie’s wedding shower,
Had an awesome time at my friend Tom’s Friday night,
Went to Toronto Saturday night,
Went out for drinks last night.
Apartment arrangements are in the works, looking forward to it.
May be getting a kitten :)
Starting classes in the fall.
All’s well :)
Monday, July 03, 2006
How was my Canada Day weekend you ask?
Friday I met up with my lovely newly-wedded and house-owning co-worker and friend to paint her living room. It was a jolly time of painting and singing and drinking. Along came her hubby and some friends and we were off in green gowns for good times at some dive bar (Norm’s) that was having its very last night. Alas, goodbye to Norm’s nights full of drunken singing and dancing (which was my first and last).
That happy evening sent everyone to toss in their beds and wake to a groggy morning of homemade strawberry jam. This day, Saturday, Canada Day, was a day of making paradise: The newly weds bought a Hawaiian wall picture which we spent hours trying to hang. We slaved and slaved and it finally turned out! Their house is now the funkiest cool of all love nests around, and I helped! :) I spent the day lying in the sunshine and making friends with their bitchy cat :) I love KITTY! She doesn’t take shit from anyone, she calls the shots; she’s Miss Independent. I could learn a few things from her. Now, I want a cat :) I thought I was allergic…
This evening we hop in the car and mosey our way to meet up with friends for dinner and to see our friend’s band play. We get caught in a little rain, we stop by a bar to see an AC/DC cover band, we crash and get up to go to work in the morning.
Now Sunday was not all that amazing, except some of the people I talked to.
Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed…, my day was… just… not…. going…; I looked like bum, I had no coffee, I walked to work only to be sided by a 33 divorcee trying to pick me up. He walked me all the way to work asking me questions and suggesting he buy me a coffee. I worked 10am-9pm today :P I’m glad he did not come by later, even though I would have died for a coffee… THANKFULLY, two thoughtful souls made my day. Thanks to William and Amy for the free coffees! You truly “perked” me up. You know what, William is one of my customers. I have to say, those of you who are thoughtful customers truly make us glad to serve the public. Particularly charming are the old people who come into work :) So raise your heavenly coffee cup and cheers to old people and thoughtful customers; You are adorable and make me glad.
For those of you who don’t know, people who provide me with coffee are gods in my reality.
Tattoo Tuesday guys ;) aaaaah!
Ok, I’m not saying I NEED a man. I’m pretty cool being single, it’s just darn confusing sometimes and I get sick of that confusion. I’m a bit of an idealist, I have this notion in my mind that you meet someone and if you find them attractive and they find you attractive and you have some in common, things tend to progress mutually and naturally and you get excited and it’s fun and exciting… ? This is often because I have not known it any other way until the last couple years. Now relationships seem all confusing,… when did that start happening? Obviously it’s happened to a million other people and I am just starting to get a taste of it. I suppose I used to be more careful once… Here’s to ‘becoming’ realistic.
People seem to get this notion that if someone talks about wanting a man or woman, it means they are not happy with themselves, that they need someone to complete them, blah blah blah. In some cases, perhaps that is so, but it’s complete bollocks most of the time! What is this stigma attached to singleness all of a sudden? It is only natural to want to share your life with someone who ‘gets’ you and who you can have a fun life with! Most people who are single now are not single because they can’t get someone, they are not single because they are desperate for someone; if they were, they would mostly likely have found someone else like that and gotten together with them. No, they are most likely single because they have not found the right one, they are pursuing other goals, and they are enjoying being who they can be and what they can do. It’s nice to have that flexibility when you are single… it’s easier.
There is some honour in singledom if you can do it without alienating yourself from reality and real relations with other people, just as it is with coupled people who can do the same. It’s about knowing your self and authentically living…
Anyways, surely there is that attractive, fun, real, honest and intelligent man out there who knows how to treat a woman right; respect and be considerate of her, be excited and unselfish about getting to know who she really is and want to keep her.
Perhaps there is someone who knows how to open me.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
It promises to be good times. Come when you can! Stay as long as you like, bring a friend! Just let me know you are coming!
Bring something from your childhood that you loved: a movie to watch, music to listen to, bring pjs, a sleeping bag, let's party together :)
Saw The Organ on Tuesday. Goodness, those women are talented! :D I would follow them around any day. They are some of the coolest women ever. A truly excellent show opened up by a very eccentric and energized band by the name of; The Ghost is Dancing. These fellas are quite the crew from the Toronto area; comprised of 2 very funky keyboarders, 1 lone electric violinist, a super-fast drummer, an attractive guitarist/singer, an emo bass player, and a sweet trumpeter. These guys each have their own unique styles and simply have fun on stage which is apparent in their sound of music :)
I want a tattoo, or two.
Still sick :P Meh, this sucks!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Went to a beautiful wedding for my coworker Marian. What a great time!
Motown night on Wednesday was pretty wild. There was a bit of a bar fight between warring ex’s. Oh la la! So much drama these days…
Won a day off work and went to Toronto yesterday. It was a really nice day. Walked along a really cute street with cute stores, ate yum, went to the beach and lay in the sunshine, which was bliss. As was walking into the music store downtown Toronto, I was tempted to buy out the place. After that I had a couple drinks with friends (and their friends) and saw their band play, which was a lot of fun. Some really great people.
Today I spent some time with my family…
It’s been good, but I am now sick :P
Why is dating so hard and confusing?
When do mutual attractions ever happen and stay anymore?
It’s crazy. The person seems too eager, turn off. The person doesn’t seem eager enough, turn off… there is a fine line one must walk it seems… but really… do relationships really work according to code? Or chemistry? …
Confused over here…
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
I just walked over to McD’s in my slippers. I ordered some chicken mcnuggets and a strawberry shortcake mcflurry. But, do you know what? They don’t have them any more, at least not at this location, so he made me a hot fudge and strawberry sundae.
Apartment hunting. The one that I fell in love with is too expensive, so I am going to see if I can find a nice one that is not so expensive. It is a little stressful because I feel so insecure financially at the moment. Once all the pieces are in place though, things will turn out.
I need to be sure that I stay on top of my ambitions and not let them smother me. I get too many at once and that can be immobilizing.
The Bachelorette party last Saturday was a BLAST.
Gearing up to go back to school this year. I am going to focus on my art major and I am going to try and start brainstorming on my art show now (it is just a little stressful though, because of money :P Art show = expensive).
So much to do!
Monday, June 12, 2006
Friday, June 09, 2006
(How is that for a blog title?)
Listening to: Waterloo Sunset – The Kinks, Imogen Heap
Looking forward to: The Weakerthans and Elliott Brood concert ~ June 22nd at the Underground, The Organ concert ~ June 27th at the Casbah *COME WITH ME!*
Anxious about apartment hunting. I WANT IT! But, can I afford it?
Tuesday night I enjoyed an evening at the Snooty Fox Pub in Westdale listening to Mike Dowson play with a couple friends. Loki and I played darts and had a nice after midnight stroll.
Wednesday Evening was Motown night at Absinth. The place got going after midnight and I danced my little heart out as usual. :)
Thursday I had dinner with a coworker and did a bit of shopping. (But not too much, because I want to rent that lovely apartment!!!) FINGERS CROSSED
Today I need to go do some grocery shopping and baking and laundry, so I have to scoot!
Bonnie’s stag is tomorrow night, and a coworker’s Bachelorette party.
Too much fun I tell you :)
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I can’t say all that much, but life is good at the moment.
I’m working full time.
I am apartment hunting lately and that is exciting and stressful at the same time.
I have had a good past couple of nights. Friday I got together with some friends for drinks and we watched old 80s music videos all night. It was a HOOT! I still think the New Kids on the Block are cool! LOL
And last night I got together with Loki. We had a coffee and then made our way over to Absinthe, for last night Wink Burlesque was “playing.” It was an experience! :) Not too far off from what most girls do in their own bedroom, only these girls decided to make a moonlight out of it. The girls weren’t bad, the guy was comic relief *poor guy*. I am straight. The DJ was EXCELLENT!! Seriously, now I know where I want to go to listen to good music, Burlesque shows… goodness.
A really great night :)
Tuesday we are hitting up the Snooty Fox for some live music. Wednesday night is Motown night at Absinthe and that is a REALLY GOOD TIME! So, if you are free, come on out.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
All of you totally missed out! lol
Except for Marisa and I:
I think I will go see them when they come back to town again :) You will just have to come with me then and see for yourself. Here are just a few pics from a camera I borrowed from work:
Friday, May 05, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
It was a beautiful morning’s walk to work and it looks like it is going to THUNDERSTORM!!! YAY!!! I wish I could go dance in the rain, but alas,I admit and though I am greatful: I am at work… And though my coworkers would enviously watch me as I skit about, lavishly soaking in the cool wet droplets plattering (I just made up that word) against me, I don’t think it would be wise…
Lately I have been “off” It could be a combination of this darn tonsillitis that has been restricting me to sing and what Cher would call “riding the red wave” AND feeling a wee bit lonely with a lack of energy and a tad of frustration over resulting laziness. Ingredients for stagnation I tell you!
So, I have put post-its (I LOVE POST-ITS) on my wall (one day I’m sure I will come home to find that I have actually wallpapered my wall with post-its completely, I like them so much) of goals for the week including: going running out in this gorgeous weather, taking pictures with all the new filters and film I bought for my sweet manual camera, finishing books I’ve started and doing art etc etc. Hopefully I feel accomplished soon, lol. I really need to finish University….
I’ve been a little confused this past year: About what I believe anymore, about what Truth is. I’ve talked with some people who have been willing to listen and challenge me, I’ve read some here and there. I’ve been told that some do not value Truth and do not search for it as I do. I have gotten the impression that Truth is subjective, that extreme belief is close in-line with mental instability. I’m stuck in between the faith that keeps us sane and the reasoning mind that makes us question. Faith has never been an issue for me before, but these days my faith is a wee bit burnt out and I resort to simply enjoy my existence, make things happen as I can and let the rest fall into God’s hands. I have open eyes to see what I can see, I have an open mind to consider what is to be considered, I have a hand hesitant to hold onto anything and yet I often find it holds onto too much. I am resorting to let go of some things, it is very painful, my whole body and mind resists it. At the same time I realize I have let go of other things without realizing, because I have been caught up in every day and have not set aside time for them, this I regret. The other day I went through my msn and deleted people. I have not done that for years, or ever, but I felt I needed to move on, start anew; cut off shriveled branches, sprout new ones that actually have potential to bear any fruit.
But, you know what? It’s natural to desire to be a part of things, to be going somewhere, to have people to love you who you love. So, while I have done this, it does not mean I throw away the cut off parts for good, they are still a part of what I have become, they will be put into compost instead. Because, I do not shun them, I am glad they were part of my life, and if they came along I would embrace that and welcome them without expecting anything.
I do not expect anything.
If this sounds depressing, I’m sorry for you. It’s not. It’s peace.
I wonder in the confusion, have I lost myself? What do I think? Why can’t I assert myself? And yet I am assertive in my own way. It’s just not on little everyday things that are annoying to most people, or on major topics that people would go picket about. It’s on a more universal and yet personal scale, and I can only hope that others can find it too.
On a lighter note, I come to find where I feel most myself these days: When I am out walking, when I am in the gorgeous country, when I sip tea quietly wrapped up in a blanket when it rains outside, or in the sun-kissed summer evenings; when beautiful nostalgia mixes with the present, and I can be myself with whoever is near.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
When you go to answer the phone: rrrrip
What if every surface was velcro? every page you turn would sound like a rrrrip
And what if the ground looked like astro turf? and whenever you walked it went rrip rrip rrip....
We would become used to that noise I suppose.
My dog likes that noise.
Some middle-aged man said I had nice lips today
I suppose that is sweet
I am very random and somewhat depressed and quiet today.
Perhaps I need a vacation...
monotany is setting in
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Going to celebrate a wedding every month this summer. It’s that time in life. Pretty exciting :)
Guess what? Hannelle and I have been watching this very handsome fluffy white male pigeon that has been strutting about on our porch balcony. We thought that perhaps he was being a bit too forward with the ladies, but it looks like things have turned out lovely for him. The chicks are flocking him now, but he found a sweet little lady bird and they have two chicks nesting on our porch now! The chicks are absolutely amazing! What is neat is that the parents take turns nesting the chicks :)
Last Friday I went and saw the Supersuckers with some coworkers. It was super good times!
Some things I don’t like:
~When friends are too far away and it’s not easy to stay in touch
~When friends live close-by and time just passes without our seeing each other
~Lack of energy ~Boredom ~Stagnation
~Succumbing to weaknesses, when you are better than that ~And even worse; when one is unjustifyingly stubborn about it
Some things I like:
~The movie Fight Club
~The TV Shows: House and Dead Like Me
Thursday, April 20, 2006
THE STILLS ON MAY 17th !!! WOOOOT!
They are $17 each. If you want to go with me, get in touch with me!
It will be fun!!
I ALSO have 10 complimentary tickets to:
The Photographic and Digital Imaging Show in Toronto
May 12, 13 & 14th
They are FREE and I am looking for people to give them to!
So, if you would like to get ahold of these babies, give me a shout!! :)
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Belle and Sebastian’s 2 Disc Push Barman to Open Old Wounds, particularly the songs I Love My Car, A Century of Fakers, Legal Man, Photo Jenny, Lazy Line Painter Jane, Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove it ~Gotta love those titles, Belle and Sebastian is priceless!
One Tree Hill Season 2 ~ ya… it’s been intense, I laughed, I cried, I dropped my jaw in utter distress, I spent too many hours in front of the tv…
King Kong ~ loved it! Loved it! Sat on the edge of my seat for most of this one :) and I love the 30s
The Short History of Kierkegaard ~still getting into it… history is not my kind of reading unless it’s juicy with suspense, drama, action, humour, romance, etc. but, if it’s Kierkegaard’s style of writing and gives me a perspective of where he’s coming from, I’m there
Beautiful Losers ~Leonard Cohen ~Still getting into it… not so keen so far
‘Till the Stills concert!
To see my Sarah and Courtenay
Tempted to Buy:
Walk the Line!!!!
Some favourite Men:
Just Found Out:
That BOTH my driving instructors had crushes on me last summer!! They are both older than 30 and married with a kid…In the words of Seth; “I am Cursed”… this is a little disturbing to me… where are the available men near my age crushing on me? WHERE?! WHERE!? Show yourselves! :P
I know, I just haven’t met the right one yet
What to do with myself. Ho, hum…
In My Spare Time:
I have painted a little, took some photos with my manual pentax (of which I have been buying filters and different film for to experiment with, weeee!!), gone walking, kicked a soccer ball around with some local kids ;)
To not watch so many movies or tv series (and get outside EVEN MORE), to DO ART, to READ more, To finally hang up those pictures in my room, To buy more pairs of shoes so my feet aren’t so messed up, To save money, To eat healthy and not eat out so much, To sign up for classes, To look for an internship…(yes, no…)
PS. Do not buy Sobeys cheese curds, they are not real! They do not squeak!
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I went back to my hometown. It was good to see my family and my puppies. It was good to rest and to eat yummy food and catch up with loved ones. Going home involves a mixture of emotions. It is always wonderful to see my family and be updated on how they are doing. My home in London is a good loving family, full of talent and laughter, beauty and nurturance. I have pretty cool parents, a smart brother, beautiful sisters, cuddly dogs.
I can get past the fact that for once in my life I am the single one and my siblings have significant others. In fact, I love to see that they are happy loving and being loved. I am glad that they have found that for themselves and are no longer envious of me having it when they don’t. That goes for my best friend as well, and my housemates. I want all of you to be happy.
When I come home, I don’t feel completely alone because there are so many memories that remind me where I came from and that I am loved and have been loved. I have changed a lot, but who I was is still a part of who I am. It’s not that I feel I should be the same, but that I should not forget myself.
At the same time, when I go home, I am reminded that I just can’t live at home any longer. I am not the same person I was and some times I wonder if my family truly knows me or lets me be myself. I know they love me and I do not hold this against them; I understand that their comments sometimes on what is odd about me, or different, or disapproved of is out of concern and because they want the best out of me because they care. That may sound like a contradiction, but it isn’t. I was talking with a friend the other night, and he said that we can intellectually put people into boxes, thinking that we know them, when really we are limiting them and their potential and their creativity. I have to agree, I know I have done that before as well. We always put people in cages, but wouldn’t you rather see them free?
Where is the place for myself? We can never escape other people’s judgment, but we can decide to be who we are unashamedly. That means I can make my own clothes if I want to, I can be an artist, I can listen to the music I like and style my hair the way I want. I don’t feel guilty, because I will express myself confidently when I know that by doing so, I am being true to me.
I do wonder what people think of me. Not because I am preoccupied with it, but because I don’t think I put enough weight into it. I should be concerned to a certain degree how I am coming across, the impression I make on people. Perhaps I am coming across a way I don’t intend to when I make a particular joke, or do a certain thing, or say something out of underlying emotion. I like to think it is the other person’s fault for not making the effort to really get to know me, but then I ask; would I want to put the energy into getting to know someone who came across that way? If I am doing something that does not truly reflect who I am, my values, or the way I see things, perhaps I am not truly being honest or living with integrity. That is why I wonder how I am coming across. Am I being true to me? Are people getting me? Can they see why I would do that? Have they even tried seeing why? Often times I think “no,” and that makes me sad. So how can I help them understand? And how can I make up for some of the ways I have wronged by giving the wrong impression? If someone sees me some way that I would never think of myself as, I have to wonder what made them think that and why? And how can I make it right? It is an ever-going process to see myself and become a better person. Someone better for the greater good, because that is what I really want to be. I would hope that my friends, past, present and future, would not judge me for who they see me to be, or for something I did once, but instead just love me, even if it means accepting that I did something they may not understand. And, who encourage me, not in who they want me to be, but in living with integrity and in becoming who I am trying to become.
And without any excuses for any things I may have done (or the many things that I have not done), I hope that you see that I only just care for you unashamedly.
“When so many are lonely that seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone”
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Sorry guys, still working on the html for this baby. Anyone out there able to help me? The bleeding heart looked so darn emo-cool to me, but then I realized it may make me look really dark… and I was feeling “summer”y, so I hope you enjoy the dandies for now :)
I fell asleep very early watching Angels in America. Now I am awake early, 9am, to a rainy morning. This I am happy about. Some people think it’s crazy, but I like rainy days; they are good for puddle jumping, or just making oneself cozy in some lamplight to read and sip warm coffee or tea. :) It is my day off and the whole day is before me :)
This may be the second time my coworkers are possibly setting me up with a guy. We shall see how it goes :) My coworkers are awesomely cute and fun, so they aren’t bad with their tastes. In the words of Marian “Oh Jen, you are so beautiful and lovely, we shall find you a very nice man who treats you right” I think I trust them most of the time :)
Oh, chirping birds out my window :) It’s a beautiful noise.At some point I will be singing too, at an open mic in town. Scott and I and possibly Bonnie are going to put something together. It will be so fun! I look forward to when it can be done. I have had this odd soar throat which seems to come and go. It is bothersome.
It is another day off. I went and returned my very overdue library books which I barely got a chance to read, which is why I kept them so long in hopes of reading them. Ah well :) It is a beautiful day, I took my poor abandoned, yet super-cool manual camera with me and took pics of the campus and a boarded up church downtown by some apartment buildings. I also got a coffee at the funky Second Cup in Westdale; which is the coolest part of town. I want to live there. I popped into the book store and the crazy toy store and bought some things AND, while I was downtown bopping around with my new Shuffle, I added to my music binging…and I am STOKED! Today it was Belle and Sebastian – Push Barman to Open Old Wounds and Jeff Buckley/Gary Lucas – Songs to No One.
I have also purchased recently:
~Some Leonard Cohen (he has a new book coming out at Chapters April 25th-May 2nd, and I am very curious)
~The new Yeah Yeah Yeahs :D
~The new Hawksley Workman
~The latest Cure album
~Echo and the Bunnymen –Songs to learn and Sing
~The Sounds ~Dying to say this to you
~The Stills: Logic will break your heart
~Tegan and Sara – So Jealous (WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!)
Yeah,…. There’s a taste of Jen’s shopaholicism for ya.
The hours of 6 and 7 are the most enchanting hours these days. The sun kisses at some slant of light which leaves me smiling :) As I sat on the bus going up the mountain, sitting with my feet on the back of the seat in front of me, I realized how childish I can be. How jealous I am for my youth, as Dorian Gray was (which I just finished by the way and it is now one of my very favourite books). I am glad to be this age, it is my prime and I can both play with kids and love old people for being old. It’s the best of both worlds, life and all its potential is wrapped up in now and whatever I make myself into. Sometimes that is overwhelming, and other times inspiring to think about. Sometimes I am so lazy and other times I wonder how I did so much. Life is a funny thing, but it is here for us to use and make something of.
I feel I should be doing more. I should do my internship, read my textbooks, start my art show. I feel like I should be helping the children of the world. Sometimes I just itch to play with a kid… a little one to cuddle with, to run around in the sun with and make believe with and skip down the street to the corner store and eat candy with. I would also like a guy to do that with, minus the skipping… unless he really wanted to… lol
HAPPY B-DAY HANNELLE AND DAYNA :D You ladies ROCK my world :) LUVS
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
~Currently on a The Cure bent :)
~I bought an ipod shuffle. It has been splendiferous! I didn’t realize how much I would love this,… but now I can be tuned out all day, lol. I LOVE that it doesn’t skip on me. I went for my first run with it the other day and it was fantastic :)
~Being a bit creative and endeavoring to design a new template for this here blog, so keep on checkin’ me out ;)
~Went to rent Say Anthing, which is the movie that I have been told will knock my socks off because I am in puppylove with the sexy-lipped Jon Cusack :) But, my night with John will have to be postponed because it was not returned to blockbuster by the previous viewer. I probably sound like a sad single 30 year old woman when I say that…
~I am SO UP for seeing this city of ours and getting out to see plays, art galleries, the harbour, the escarpment, bands, sit in cafes, get a drink, go to the music stores downtown etc etc etc. So, if you ever want or need to get out and do something, give me a call :)
~I have had a soar throat for about 3 weeks now. It comes and goes, but I can’t sing too well with it… which sucks. I am still wondering if there are any musicians out there who would like to by my accompaniment if I were to sing at an open mic in town sometime. It would be fun; Let me know :)
~I’m so forgetful! I left my darn laundry downstairs yesterday… I should go get that…
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
fill in the blanks with stuff about me. it'll be fun.
Dear __________ ,
you have a cute______.
You make me _______.
You should _______.
Someday I will ______.
You + me =________.
If I saw you now I'd __________.
I would build a _______ just for you.
I would get your name tattooed on my __________.
If I could sing you any song it would be _________.
We could __________ under the stars.
My love for you is like that of ____________.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
This I call you
As someone who has touched my heart and broke the sky
You left behind a piece of your self
At times I forget it
Only to stumble upon a place where it had settled
Some time I sit and it crawls in my lap, pleading me to stroke it
It settles on my mind and weighs out memories
Till I am blind
Come back and pull yourself together
Leave if you must, but do not leave behind your self
For I have nothing to do with it
and you have all
You wear your pride
Like a purple scowl about your broad shoulders
You are not
You run into walls,
Trying to free yourself
You are suffocating, but keep working inside
Keeping busy to keep going
Over and over, the window walls are opening and closing
Like God’s eye watching and waking you
Driving you mad
You try to cut off what does not seem to mesh
You are seeking some peace,
But those pieces cut off, are pieces none the less
Of a whole that is broken
Of an unsettled mess
Your fear covers your fair skin
You grow another layer
Callous, to cover the shivering
Your speech is short to cover the shuddering
You cannot keep hold; you are wheeling inside,
You itch, feel annoyed, restless,
Want to break out, break away,
From me, the world, everything
Your humour is adorable
It makes me want to crawl inside your mind
And your arms
But you quickly attack me with cynical judgment
And I warn you of yourself with sharp tongue,
Our wills are matched,
You stubborn selfish assuming ass,
You cannot take it;
Because you can barely
Hold yourself together by your own devises
To let another hold you
Because we just aren’t deep enough together
And if we get close, you cannot hold onto it at all
One night I simply held you
Our lips pressed together, I stroked your hair
You say some do not value truth
But truth is;
You were falling
And you could not let it happen
So you pushed away
Thinking somehow you would be held down
Instead of lifting off the ground
You just don’t have much to give right now
But I am not asking for it
Just to take you out to absorb the sunlight
And to suck in some windy sky
And stumble upon something real
That helps you see you are alive
If you would just let yourself go
You would find yourself
Relax my dear
Let’s just play
Like children who skip stones across mirrors
Let’s skip stones across this concrete street that stares blankly back at us
Let’s paint the sky with our voices;
screaming down the valley
taking off our shoes
strolling over soft green fields
letting the emerald sky break over our bodies
and take us up above our heads, like kites shaking and stirred up by the wind
We could talk about everything, or simply watch it
And as an art; make love to what we see and what we do and what we create
I would fly beside you, if you could just take my hand
It is hard for you to trust;
You cannot understand me
I promise you
I am a friend
Some man unworthy to be possessor
Of old or new love, himself being false or weak,
Thought his pain and shame would be lesser
If on womankind he might his anger wreak,
And thence a law did grow,
One might but one man know;
But are other creatures so?
Are Sun, Moon, or Stars by law forbidden
To smile where they list, or lend away their light?
Are birds divorced, or are they chidden
If they leave their mate, or lie abroad a-night?
Beasts do no jointures lose
Though they new lovers choose,
But we are made worse than those.
Who e'er rigged fair ship to lie in harbours
And not to seek new lands, or not to deal withal?
Or built fair houses, set trees, and arbors,
Only to lock up, or else to let them fall?
Good is not good unless
A thousand it possess,
But dost waste with greediness.
Monday, March 13, 2006
I am LOVING THIS WEATHER!!! I love the fog and the rain and the sun and the yummy breeze :)
On Friday, after lunch with the lovely Cheryl who I have not seen enough of, and with my Sarah dear who I love to death, my sisters and my mom came by to visit. I was at work but I was still glad to see them and let them go shopping with my Jacob discount :) They bought me a computer desk, desk lamp, mouse pad (which I have been using my sketch book for) and starbucks coffee and left it in my room for when I came home from work. It was so sweet. My sisters are so beautiful :) Not only that, they are talented, adorable, funny, smart, good and really awesome people. I miss them.
Saturday after work, I went out for a girl’s night with my coworkers. We had quite the time ;) We got giddy on cosmos and twisters and they got me to spill some things… lol I am so glad to work with such awesome fun women :)
Sunday, Scott and I went for a long long walk to Westdale and tried some asian food which was very sketchy… I bought ice cream and we peeked in the shop windows and we chatted about all sorts of things :) It is so nice to just walk and talk with someone who lets me babble on about anything that comes into my head… Free associative talk is highly stimulating and therapeutic, we don’t do it enough I think… Then we walked back up the mountain and swung on some swings and got all the way to my apartment when I realized I had lost my bus pass/student card so we walked all the way back to the swings and found it. I hate it when I lose things and get all forgetful! Thank goodness we found it or I would be tormented by the horrific fact of having to pay bus fare or walk everywhere not because I want to, but HAVE to. Anyhooo, by that time it was midnight but we decided to watch Amelie and it is always an excellent film to watch :)
My mom and one of my sisters came by again today. I ordered a pair of glasses which I sure hope look darn sexy. I had my heart set on a pair I found months ago but, I could not find them again so I got my mom and sister’s opinion on a few and eventually decided on one. They look pretty nice as sunglasses ;) I watched Pride and Prejudice today. The dialogue was humorous and though a bit cheesy at times, the chemistry between the leads was FANTASTICLY SPICY… Mr Darcy was darn sexy…
And that is that for now :)
Friday, March 10, 2006
Monday after work I had a really great evening! It started out as an offer to drive me home and we such good conversation that we decided to do some grocery shopping and talk and then, decided to go get some dinner and continue talking. The conversation was THAT good :) So, he took me to the ‘Best place in the world” which sounded pretty good to me, so I couldn’t complain. We shared some wine and ate some really good food in a nice and private booth at a very lovely little pub in Westdale. The conversation was perfect and it felt so good to be on the same level with someone about things. Cheers!
Tuesday night was a coworkers birthday, so after work we went out to Montfort’s and ate some yum and laughed a lot :) Afterwards, some of us still wanted to hang out with the birthday girl, so we went to the Snooty Fox in Westdale where my friend Jeremy works. It so happened that Mike D, a really amazing guy I run into often, was playing live music there that night. It was great to hear him play, he did a great job! I felt special when he wouldn’t let me leave till I heard him sing one of June’s songs.
Yesterday was my day off, weeee! I went downtown and ended up spending some time with a fellow I know. We bopped around downtown to the art store and music store. I got some more art supplies because I must be an artist. Alas, once I got on the bus to go up the mountain, I realized with a subtle horror that I had forgotten my art supplies at the restaurant we ate at! So, I had to go back down the mountain on the bus. When I got there, my friend was working there. He plays the ‘tabla’ and the lute. So, not only did I get my art supplies back, but my friend played his tabla and sang for me :) He is SO GOOD!!! :D His brother came by and we talked for a bit. Then, an old Italian man came into the restaurant and sang a little song for me. I felt so special :) Back up the mountain I went with my art supplies and tucked myself all cozy with yum beside the fire in Second Cup to meet my lovely Sarah. We talked and rested and rented SIDEWAYS and went to her place to watch it. I used to live with my lovely Sarah and I am always so happy to visit there because it reminds me of the summer we lived together and I miss it sometimes. WE cuddled with the little guinea pigs. I have come to like them… but I don’t think I would own one myself… I want a dog.
Ta ta for now :)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie, Garbage
How Do You Feel Miss Muse?
I have been told that I am fabulous for going to a gay bar on Valentine’s Day. Really, it is the least likely place for a single girl like me to pick up… lol Perhaps I have some weird defense mechanisms. I was also given a rose by the very humorous, handsome and genuinely good guy who complimented me. It was very refreshing and made me feel special :)
I watched some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Scott this week. JUST LOVE that movie!!! I really should buy it!
Sarah says that I do know how to flirt... I assure you, I do not. I may come across like a flirt, but seriously, I just like people and getting to know them and hanging out and having fun. The people I really crush on, I may not flirt with at all. You know what? I realize that I actually don't let myself flirt when I really like someone because I look forward to flirting and acting on my impulses with someone that I KNOW is going to stay around. I've come to wonder if this is the best thing. Sure, there should be limits, of course. I wonder sometimes if some of us limit too much, thinking, one day I will have this, instead of just living in the now. I mean, if you are dating someone now, and saving up all this stuff for whoever you marry, you are not acting like you would if you were married, so then, how do they really know what you will be like when you get married? They don't because you aren't acting on those impulses... and yet, the line has to be drawn somewhere... I can't get past the fact that I can't give my all to someone who is not sure himself. I deserve someone who knows he wants me. I will want him more for it.
Anyways, I just made a fool of myself the other day at work when a good looking guy made eyes at me. I totally went scatterbrained and lost my head and could not speak coherently, I just went into customer mode and ignored any interest in him whatsoever and came out sounding really dumb on top of it. BUT, the other day when this one charming regular who is just a fun guy I could not be interested in came into the store and made some flirtatious comment about me developing photos in a dark room naked, I laughed and though I like the idea, it was weird to be flirted with like that, I just replied a little flustered and good naturedly with "Ya, just me, in the dark with all that chemistry." That could sound flirty, but, it was with a guy I had no interest in.
Perhaps this means I need to find an extroverted guy, who gets me talking, who I can be relaxed with, who is funny, who i can have fun with and yet STILL also find attractive... It can take guts to flirt with someone you have chemistry with and not come across as a slut... Can I find someone with chemistry, flirting, AND who can be a true friend who values me too... hmmm ... is it possible...? Anyways, I like to think about these things and always come back to the realization that in the end, things are often unexplanable, you can't always choose who you are going to find attractive and why.
Anyways, I'm actually more interested in having a puppy and hanging out with people than being in a relationship these days. But, somethings are worth waiting for... I just wish I could have a dog right now... may be I could find an older dog that is already trained...
Back to how my week went:
Thursday night I went downtown and had coffee with a really great guy. We both enjoy photography, so that is what we talked about. We went to check out Absinth and ran into Latter Day Saints. They were very commanding of the conversation and it made me get a little annoyed and restless, so I found clever ways of avoiding subjects that would be too lengthy. I showed just enough interest to satisfy them and not enough to commit to wasting time freezing while this guy merely talks at me about ancient biblical people who really may not mean much to someone who has never heard about them and sounds too ‘booky religious’ and elitist for people to really be interested. I asked some questions to make them think, was respectful though challenging and got away pretty quickly. My old self commends them for their efforts and I respect their devotion. Though, I don’t agree they should leave their family for 2 years if they are a father and husband. I also don’t agree with them that there is only one true church fellowship structure via the Latter Day Saints just because the bible says the road to truth is narrow. I asked them if perhaps there is a narrow road of truth within each different Christian denomination...
Anyways, the evening went on and we talked about Christianity for a bit [and I threw in a wee bit of philosophy (existentialism specifically) and psychology (Jungian of course..) as I have a tendency to do…] and then we got in to see Matt Mayes with El Torpedo. He sang a new song solo acoustic called How Do You Feel Miss Muse which cut me to the core. SO talented, it was so much fun. Thomas Matheson opened and was absolutely fantastic. He is quite the Alpha male… and every one of the faces in his band are faces one could get sentimental about. Local band Charlemagne opened for the show and they were very fun and impressive. They got spunk and their last song was so cool. I just fed off the energy on that stage and wished I could be on it rockin’ out myself… dream dream… I need to go to the underground more often :)
Funny thing happened on the way back home after the show. I got on the bus and started talking with a fella. He was very interesting and talkative. We talked the whole bus ride and then got off at the same stop and THEN walked to my building! … We live in the same building! Bizzarre… he had also seen me before the ONE time I ever went to Pepperjack’s to watch a friend perform... Weird...
Went to Pepperjacks again Friday night after Jeremy’s art show (which was just excellent, of course. I want to hang his work on my walls. *so proud* and inspired). After Hanging out at Tom’s studio downtown with Angie and Jen (who are SO cool to hang out with! They rock!), we all headed over to Pepperjack’s… but, it was hip hop… and I didn’t last that long. But that was ok, because it was early in the morning by that time and after McD’s at 1am, I crashed.
Next morning I got up early (6:15am) for one of my last shifts at Jacob. Yes, I am only going to have one job in 2 weeks time, and will be looking for an internship towards my psych major. I hope to do some more art and photography around here too. I ordered a flash for my manual camera which should be fun times :) I’m also looking into making a collection of Lomo cameras :) We shall see. Since I am not allowed to have a puppy in my apartment perhaps that frees up money to buy cameras and an ipod to go running with? Dream dream
My friend told me that her brother would sell me one of his cameros… if only I could afford it right now…
Retail therapy was Saturday afternoon in the sunny sun. I am slowly making my room a little nicer. So far, that means lots of candles and finding nails to hang art and looking at nice materials which are often too expensive to even think of buying… Since I happened to forget my laundry at home, I HAD to take advantage of my Jacob discount and the really cute striped/polka dot underwear on sale at La Senza… :P
After this, I was pursued by previous bus “stalker-who-is-not-a-stalker” who lives in my building. Somehow he managed to get me to take him and his brother to the party at Auedrah and Dayna’s. They had fun. The party was wild and mostly, good times. I was so glad to see Redeemerites taking it ease and letting lose and being true.
Today I made it to work with a wee bit of a hangover, it wasn’t that bad. I was expecting worse, but I guess I didn’t drink as much as I could have. Good times, good times.
So much goodness, more goodness to come :)
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Type “[your first name] needs” into Google’s search engine and list the first ten results. Nearly all will be amusing, but you’re supposed to underline the ones that are actually true about you.
Jen needs a break. "Come on up to my home, Jen. My twelve person staff will make you feel better!" (ooooh, I LOVE that this was the first one I found )
Jen Needs a Title! ( I already have one... but, another one would be fun... like JEN THE MAGNIFICANT... or JEN THAT DARLING SLICE OF GOODNESS FOR YOUR SOUL...)
Jen needs to be a parent (uhhh.... not yet... but, ya, one day)
Jen needs to get a life (This is someone's perspective of Jen Anistan's situation, the poor woman)
Jen needs your help (Sure, I can take all the help I can get ;)
Jen needs to have a session or two with a therapist, as I truly think that she’s not over her previous hurt. (Perhaps, who couldn't?)
Jen has been complaining of late that she needs a good man to take her out on the town and pamper her, so this could be your chance to woo a foxy, charming and talented woman. (HEEEY, sounds good to me ;)
jen needs an extra $20K ( YES, I DO!)
Jen needs to lay off the drugs (uuuuhm, perhaps if I even had drugs...)
Jen needs a little <3>lol, dirty dirty)
Jen needs a place to stay for the night (um... )
Jen needs a new heating system (my heater does a pretty good job, but a man would be nicer...)
Jen just needs a fun-loving and carefree relationship for a change (sure thing)
Jen needs taking out for fun (DEFINATELY!!)
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
|You Are 45% Addicted to Love|
Might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it?
Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships.
Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!
Monday, February 27, 2006
Things I have found to annoy me:
~ People who act dumb because it’s easier than taking responsibility for their actions. Especially in regards to how they treat people.
~when my floating candle flips upside down and douses out the flame :P
~Spam mail, particularly stupid forwards from friends
Something I would love right now:
~ A Massage
~ A puppy
~ A hot intelligent man to have great conversations and fun times with
~ to be 10 pounds lighter :P
~A good cuddle
Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover
You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
'Tis my pop's b-day and it is good to be home with the family and be lazy for a couple days :)
Thanks to one of my coworkers my hair is red and black again. More red and more black than before :)
Weeeee!!! I will post a picture when I get back to town and have a chance to breathe.
Been watching foreign films this week. Some of note:
~The Experiment (German)
~Love me if you Dare (French)
Been listening to Jeff Buckley, as always :) But, craving some new stuff. Just don't have the money to buy and don't have the time to search and don't have the internet speed to sample. :P I would love to go to more concerts though, so if anyone out there is interested in catching a band sometime, fill me in! :)
Looking for reasons to get out- downtown, for a walk, see the sights...
Want to decorate my room: Need furniture, or at least more organization and more art on my walls. Am dying for a bookcase- It is a necessity for me which I do not have! Like the Ramones TShirt I FINALLY have now! Yipppeee!! :D
You Rock :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Kierkegaard claims that the truth is a subjective reality, not objective reality. His argument for this is rather convincing, but I have some questions.
Can subjective reality exist outside of objective reality? Doesn’t there have to be an objective truth so that we can find subjective truths? …
And, Is Kierkegaard’s notion of subjective reality as truth, particularly in relation to proving the existence of God, somewhat Agnostic?
I ask this because Kierkegaard sounds somewhat Agnostic in claiming that the truth of God cannot be found through increasing knowledge.
Though, isn’t finding subjective truth like taking hold of an intuitive knowledge? Or is “Intuitive” the wrong word because that would mean that there is some objective truth being glimpsed, or ‘intuited’. But, nonetheless, subjective truth is like having another sort of knowledge; an experiential knowledge, which is subjective to the person, but also very much linked with an overarching kind of objective truth. For example, one person’s suffering is the person’s own: people may not understand where that person is coming from. BUT, this does not mean that no-one has been in a similar situation and that those feelings are not part of the human condition; part of a larger pool of experiential knowledge/understanding about suffering.
Kierkegaard also sounds somewhat Agnostic in his claim of subjective truth because if truth is all subjective, it seems rather flighty… as if there is not much more than our selves and our untrustworthy, fluctuating and limited human knowledge. I am not so sure he believes that there is no objective truth, but that the objective truth of God can only be found subjectively.
Anyways, I would appreciate any thoughts on this :)